The maid of honor just puked.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
