worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
