The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she smelled like a LAN party
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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