I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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