He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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