I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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