you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
smell my finger.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
