just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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