If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How does one acquire holy water?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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