I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
