my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
