someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
