just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
