Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
