Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
two words: eviction party
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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