i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My pussy is not your playground.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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