Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
