I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
