i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
