So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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