Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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