He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
