He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
