Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
3pm strippers are depressing
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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