could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out