update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.