is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
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So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
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Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.