Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
