Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
