3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
