Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
