In the future we'll all be gay
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
