If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
