i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
