Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
