I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
