She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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