hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
