Is it normal to miss your booty call?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
