Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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