Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
