im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
