Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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