I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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