exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
you had me at cake vodka
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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