Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
