you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
