No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
