i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
