The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
