omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
