I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You brought string cheese to the strip club
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
