I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Randomize
