I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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