oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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