I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
