why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
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the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
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we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.