Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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