After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
