Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
