he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
