I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
