I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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