did you get engaged???
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
